Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Oz

I always knew.  Always knew.  There was Something. Something.  Not Someone.  Some. Thing.  An essence. A spirit. A being. A way of existing in the purest most simple form.  I have been guided by intuition to this Place where I found My Strong.  

I turned my can’t into cans and dreams into plans. I chose to try. Just try.  And in trying I found movement, movement gave me momentum and momentum helped me reach Flow.  

I am ready to go with the Flow.  

I was Driven by song.

I am Honey Mama and I am here, now, present and ready to accept the challenges that face me because I am Driven by an Invisible force. I don't have to Feel the Force anymore, I Know the Force.  My Life Force.

I struggled.  I believed.  I found The Answer I was looking for and it came to me in my dreams.  I had to find my Chi, so that I could eat my Pi and surrender myself to live the life I was born to live.


Chi = Pi 

I JUST Found My Story and it's about being driven not to perfection, but to greatness and it has nothing to do with Me.  I am nothing.  I am a human being.  My spirit is infinite.  I found the answer to all the questions that I held in my heart.  I was patient, honest, and kind and I felt ALL the things I couldn’t release.  The emotional manifestation of my pain washed over my physical being. I have been in true physical pain every day of my life.  

I am The Girl Who Lived.  

Life has tried to extinguish my inner spark from the moments I took my first breath, but I wouldn’t let it. I couldn’t.  I knew I was meant for something Good.  Pure. Simple. Honest and True.  

I was born to Love EVERYTHING

I have approached my entire life work as a Puzzle.  I haven’t solved my puzzle and I never will.  I don’t want to know what the big picture looks like, not now, not ever.  I want to explore the details, I want to solve the mysteries and I can only do that by living in the present, the here, the now.  To give anything less to Myself is to sacrifice the gift The Universe has given Me.  Each of us has a gift. 

I went searching for Laura (Ingalls Wilder) and found Dorothy, while I was busy being Mary Poppins, I sat down in the Inventing Room and created magic in my life. I didn't know it then and I don't know where this is leading, but I know this is my Truth.  I sat in The Moose Lodge and cracked open Myself.  I got out an intensely bright flashlight and I peered in to see what was inside. I was ready to figure My Life out, because I knew I wasn’t living My Destiny. 

I see things.  For a long time I thought I was seeing Ghosts.  I wasn’t.  Then I thought I was seeing dreams.  It wasn’t that either.  

Vision.

Driven by passion and fueled by my need to seek out the Truth, I was given the gift of Contemplation.  This has meant I have struggled and felt things that most people do not allow themselves to feel because I knew I was born for This and that in order to get This I wanted to get all the negative energy out of my life. I had to.  So I listened. Truly listened.  I had no answers. I gave up looking for God and I did what I know I was born to do. 

I was Born to Run.

I’ve been lost, but I always knew I would be found.  Grandma June told me so and I knew her love was honest, pure and kind.  I didn't have the faith to believe in something I didn't know existed, but I believed in my family and my friends.  I just believed in them and their vision for my life and I found peace with the seven holes in my heart I accepted it, knew it in my heart, and never lost faith in my dreams.  

Dave Matthews Band has Driven me to this point in my life where I am ready to accept The Gift, because I am nothing. I have nothing to give. I just am.  And I love.  I am real.  All I can be is here. I am not living my life in the past. The present. Or The future.  I live in the Now.  And The Now is ripe with Possibility.  

I was born to be a Mother Runner.  Motherhood stripped me bare, I let it.  I said “BRING IT, Motherhood!” just try and break me.  I dare you. I gave my children all the love in my heart that I could give.  I gave them everything I had and it took more that I knew I had and when I ran out of answers I found that all I had was in my heart all along.  

All you need is Love.  Love is All you Need.   

Starting Now, March 26, I choose to show up for my life.  Simply show up.  No expectations.  I worked my ass off to be the best human being I could possibly be, because I knew I was looking for Something.  I believed in magical realism with everything in my spirit and I found the answers I had been looking for, I put together the clues and solved The Mystery. My Mystery.  The Masterpiece.  It was waiting for me, life tested me, I Win.  

I told my wonderful, honest, pure, true husband I was coming to town for a meeting on Monday.  I thought I was running away, but I kept moving forward.  To move.  I felt the spirit and it moved me.  He tried to give me a lifeline and I knew I had to cut the rope.  At first I thought that meant Divorce.  The big D.  As in: Failure.  Which WAS my biggest fear.  Now, I have no fear, only love.  I am your Gypsy.

I accepted that I am Not Unique.  

I Am Another Mother Runner and I am Extraordinary. 

When I opened myself up fully to the Possibility that exists for each and everyone of us I learned to face my biggest fears.  I took myself to the darkest part of my soul, the hurt, pain, shame and fear I let live in me served me. They made me.  I embraced the pain and I did something I couldn’t explain.

I moved. 

I was stuck emotionally, but I had peace and acceptance and I knew I could change, but I wasn’t ready.  I couldn’t surrender to life, I wouldn’t let the dark energy suck the life out of my soul. I couldn’t.  

I am Dorothy. 

I went searching for the answers to the questions in my heart and I created this world, this reality I needed to live in.  I didn't fight reality, I embraced it until the trail rose up to greet me and I have held the faith in my heart that when my Moment arrived I would be Ready. 

I finally found what I have been looking for on the long and winding road.  It led me over the river, through the woods and to the Perfect Home.  A place of imperfection.  A place of Unfinished Business.

I am here because I have unfinished business. I have a gift. I have a story to tell and I need HELP telling it.  

When I moved to The Moose Lodge and I became HM Wild.  My journey has been about Becoming Wilder.  My adventures are going to take Me to the ends of the earth, because that is what I Must do in order to fulfill my endless potential .  

I have spent my whole life trying to fix other people.  Not because I thought they needed fixing, but because I wanted to take away their pain, so I did.  I gave it everything I had.  EVERYTHING.  I let it consume me.  I was terrified. Alone. Scared.   

I was born with Passion and Contemplation coded into fabric of my existence.  I was born with an unfinished heart.  I had seven holes in my heart and I should have died, but I chose Life.  I chose to Live.  Here. Now. 

My journey to the edge of the wild brought me to the edge of my Wild.  The absolute edge of my consciousness.  I am standing on the edge of my reality and I accept it, embrace it and love it for what it is.  I was patient with ALL the questions in my heart and I loved, and I hurt, and I felt EVERYTHING.  I know this is The Trail I need to run, because in October I shed ALL expectations of what I thought my life would be.  I let it all go. I wrote it out. 

I was a FEELER. 

I felt everything fully, deeply, and wholly and it was painful, pure agony, it exhausted my spirit, I ran myself home.  I ran to the only place I knew  in my heart. I ran to the Graveyard of Dead Dreams, Slana, AK, the last homestead in the nation.  A forgotten place.  Abandoned.  I surrounded myself in the isolation. I embraced the cold.  I found Laura. Alice. Mary. Dorothy.  All the fictional characters I had to Know, because in my heart I was guided by love and the people who chose to show up in my life gave me what I didn’t have: Courage.  

I am Dorothy and I surrender.  I cannot fix the world. I cannot take away the pain, hurt or shame in others, but I have a gift.  Faith.  

Run Life from Your Core

H.M. Wild 

We’re Off to See the Wizard.  Baby, we were Born to Run.

P.S. To my Angel Crew, you know who You are and I will find you when you are ready to learn to be and if I call you on my Lifeline and say: “I need you now, no questions asked.” please know that my words are honest, open and true.  You will know when you need to hear from me.  Until then Trust Yourself. Be open. Be afraid.  FEEL EVERYTHING and know that I am truly okay because I am guided by pure love of Self and I accept my destiny.  I welcome the change that is about to occur in my life because I know I was Born to Run

“Sometimes You Just Do Things.” - Scott Jurek 

“Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack, a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.
That's how the light gets in.
That's how the light gets in.”
 - Leonard Cohen