Monday, April 28, 2014

Open Heart

The moment my mother felt me kick in her womb, her soul she knew she would never let me go.  Out of love, fear, regret and above all hope she carried me.  From the moment I was conceived strength grew with me, without it I would not be here today.  My mother’s placenta that was at war with my tiny self forced me into a world I was not yet ready to take on.  
Tucson, Az Sunset, 2010 
Born in the beginning of the seventh month a weak three pounds and some odd ounces I was drawn out of the womb by the illusive call of the summer solstice sun at 10:53 PM, June 21st. 

“Dig deep into that inexhaustable well of grit, guts and determination” 
- Ken Chlouber, Founder of the Leadville Trail 100 

I entered the world with battle scars; a mix of purple, black, blue and red bruises graced my little body, looking more like a skinned rabbit pulled from a magician’s hat, than a baby I began my journey through the rabbit hole and into a world of my own: Wonderland.  

Miracle Baby.  
Wild Adventures, Creek ATV Ride, N. Wrangell, AK, Fall 2013

At six months old I was rushed to the emergency room and at last my tiny heart revealed the answer: heart murmur.  The doctors soon found seven holes in the left ventricle of my tiny but strong heart and still beating heart.  Terrifying and yet comforting for my (24 years) young parents, they finally knew that was wrong but didn’t know if my heart could keep beating as they waiting for an answer. 

Church, Phoenix, 2010 
“Isn’t a runner’s story merely a collection of experiences defined by both risk and passion?  
We can define risk as a willingness to embrace the unexpected, unpleasant or downright 
awful in exchange for a chance to feel something strong, pure and barely controlable.”           

- Rickey Gates, Dirt: Trail Runner Special Ed, April 2014 

My father, our rock held our fragile family together.  My parents with their overflowing love filled the holes in my tiny heart with love. Pure Love. The day I was diagnosed with congenital heart disease with ventricular septal defect (for 7 holes in my left ventricle) Alaska Airlines cleared out the entire first class section on the next flight to Seattle and we headed to Seattle for my first of two heart surgeries. The first was much more grim, terrifying, and uncertain.  

“Warehouse where the blood is flowing, warehouse where the heart is bumping.
 Wouldn’t you like to stay in The Warehouse? ”

 - Dave Matthews Band 

The second surgery was major too, but the first was done as a temporary solution to see if I could gain weight and thrive, until me and my tiny heart were big enough for repair.  I’ve been waiting my whole life for “this” moment.  Seattle calls me back this May for some reason.  Seattle is calling and I must go.  The Emerald City.  

“Help. Thanks. Wow.” 

- Anne Lamott 

Today is the day I stop being afraid of my heart and the places it may take me.  I choose to live in the Now because I know that is all we have, the present moment, it cannot be found here nor there, but only in the Now.  Today is also the day I step into a psychatrists office with a true open heart and mind set on healing. I offer up a few crumbs of my story in search of the medium of my life.  Surrender Dorothy. 




“Take these chances, place them in a box until a quieter time, lights down you up and die.”

- Dave Matthews Band 

“Don’t lose the dreams in your head, they’ll only be there until you’re dead.”

 - Dave Matthews Band 

“Happiness is that state of consiousness which proceeds from teh achievement of one’s values” 

- Ayn Rand 


I'm finally ready to deal with my "baggage"…

Very First Computer Written Journal Entry from 9/17/2004, The day I decided I would be come a writer, written to share today, the day I met my density.  I am a writer.  

Family Blanket: 

Generations of wisdom, passing on the richest pieces of ourselves to our children, our children to grandchildren, and so on with the hope creating a blanket that represents family, woven of wisdom, love, honor, respect, hope and promise.  

“The trouble about man is twofold: 
He cannot learn truths which are too complicated;
 he forgets truths which are too simple.” 

- Rebecca West 

A blanket that will have many mistakes, loose threads, and a pattern that sometimes goes astray, but only becomes stronger and more beautiful with time; the length in which continues to be added on year after year shows a stronger weave, richer colors and  the common threads that weave us together and make a family.  When strong winds blow across the sky the blanket flows with the wind, feels air between its weave and stands the test of time. 

Sheep, Oregon, Jan. 2013 
My family blanket is the story in which I was born into.  I hold the responsibility to carry on my family traditions, learn from the mistakes that have been made and to value my ancestors.  To create a path thru the undiscovered forest that is the future, a path that will lead my descendents to a promising future.  

“Take what you can from your dreams and make it as real as anything.” 

- Dave Matthews Band
Fly, Oregon Coast, Jan. 2013 Maya and Honey Mama 

“The real work is to discover who you are and to use who you are in service to the world.”

 - Oprah Winfrey, 2013, Presdential Medal of Freedom Award Speech 

Bridging the Gap, Columbia, OR/WA.  Jan 2013 


“Good writers make their own luck.”

 - William Zinsser 

Doing some "heavy lifting" ;)  Tucson, AZ, November 2010


“Being a writer is like having homework every night of your life.” 

- Lawrence Kasdan 



“Find your inspiration, it’s deep inside you, amend your situation, your whole life is ahead of you.” 

- Dave Matthews Band  


With my "big sister" Wendy,  November 2010, Tucson, AZ 


“You cannot wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.”   

- Jack London 

With my "big sister" Tracy, January 2013, Mt. Shasta, CA

P.S. Other relevant Blog Posts:

Oz 

Run Life From Your Core

With my "sister" Sara for a pre-11.5 mile training run =) 



“When I close my eyes I just see dreams in them” 

- George (4)