Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Stubborn Love

The Moose Lodge Experience ended for me on Monday, March 24, 2014 when I walked out of my life and into the unknown with a Subaru full of mostly books and running gear, packed in between my 5 and 6 year old kids, and blue heeler and Shepard lab mix who gets car sick.  Really car sick.  Moving to The Moose Lodge was a mission, a learning expedition and I hoped I could last the year, but seven months was all it took.  It is my physical home and holds my heart close and near, but I belong to the pi in the sky.  I'm a gypsy.  

I vowed to learn how to be a  human being by making the conscious choice to rescind a life as a human doing.  Leaving the experience that was The Moose Lodge meant I left my marriage too and let the final facade of perfection fall as I drove away, all 240.7 miles to my parents driveway where I have been staying between a stint in an inpatient behavioral health center that helped me, but wasn't quite what I needed either.  Now I am medicated, my brain feels fuzzy, and some family and friends have had (many) disagreements with me.  I am retreating. Finding sanctuary. Creating peace in my life one moment at a time.  One single moment.  That is all I can give any of this on my journey.  Becoming a runner prepared me to find the courage to leave.  Courage.

Honey Mama Runs Wild, the blog has been about that experience of sharing the adventure of the journey to the core, to the heart of the land, documenting the seasons and changes of a single beautiful fixed place in time.  While we lived there as a family we noticed that time kept slipping through the hour glass, tiny bits sand falling all around, mounting on the ground, unstoppable by a change in location.  Time slips and moments drip, one following the next.  All we have is now to love and be love, to give love and share loving kindness.  Strong.

Pay it Forward. 

Find your Flow.  Fight it. Go with it. Tread.  Give it all you got. Spawn. 

Preserving the moments locked in time. Captured in the simple composition of life, the magic of nature, paused for a brief moment, locked within a photograph.  A single second made to last.  

An attitude of gratitude is a great place to start and got me many miles down the path of the homesteading life. It gave me the strength to take the negative energy and shield myself from some of it, and in other situations to bring it to the surface and deal.  Just deal with my baggage.  

My best friend, Parke, helped me in tremendous ways to unload my bags, spread my stuff out, and encourage me to do whatever I needed to do to be the most awesomeist “Me” I can Be.  

He set me free.  

Some call that Divorce, not to be confused with divorce.  I knew if I couldn't be set free it would be Divorce, not divorce.  So far my best friend and I are on great terms and have decided we are raising our kids in a different way; we’ve always different (a.k.a. that family that does crazy ill advised or otherwise discounted things), yeah, we're "those" people.  

Meditating and doing yoga for hours and days on end in the final three months I lived  my days out in the The Moose Lodge Experience brought me to my own personal enlightenment I decided: 

I wanted something so I moved" - Scott Jurek

I stopped caring about the external judgement of the simple word “divorce”.  We’re different, this is hard, I feel it all right because I can really only be here NOW, not off in next Tuesday worrying about something that I have no control over.  So I do yoga, and meditate which is how I pray. I meditate to my gospel of mishmash musical madness or fall asleep listing to the soft sounds of the BBC World News waking London as I drift off to sleep.  On rare nights, Coast to Coast AM.  Other times I kneel before a lit candle or cups of ice chips and it helps maintain focus.  Or a simple glass of water.  Simple.

My recent twelve day inpatient behavioral health services time taught me a lot about myself and somethings were really hard to learn, others came naturally and helped confirm what I already knew as my Truth.  It was step one of a very long road because I've been masking it all these years, holding myself back from the edge until a friend said: JUMP and I surrendered to help.  I have made my BEST friends worried beyond worried as we all sort out the mystery of my mania and how to bring me back down.  I am living with a mental illness. 

This is the face of mental illness.  
This is Bipolar I Disorder.  

This is Bipolar I Disorder.  

I am regular person,  I repeat REGULAR PERSON.  A stay at home mom.  I am your next door neighbor.  I am your daughter.  I am your wife. I am your friend.  I am not a diagnosis.

I surrender, but to me surrender also comes with empowerment to make ones on decisions.  I've always  been this stubborn, I have had to be.  If I wasn't, I wouldn't have lived.  I would be the girl who died, instead of the girl who lived.  (Born To Run Essay). 

The $62,000 bill has already arrived and my separated husband and I agreed that I am better, but not $62,000 kind of better.  We have no resources to pay for that, but it saved my life and I have faith.  I am one of those Pollyanna types who believes in miracles.  I believe in miracles. 

”Shower the People You Love with Love” - James Taylor 

The gift of surrender was that it gave me the permission  reminded me of  my most basic human right: self-care.  I wasn’t caring for myself, but instead I worried myself literally sick worrying about others, without any help to give  Once I surrendered I have been blessed  by the love of friends, family, and new friends.  Life is Good.  

Many thanks to my family, friends, and new acquaintances for showing up in my life when you do, just when I need you the most. Remember if I say “I need you now, questions asked!” I mean it.
“Help. Thanks. Wow.” - Anne Lamott

A journey into the past, opening the gift that is the present, while catching glimpses of visions of future life missions, and enticing expeditions: mountain biking, hiking, running, paddling, wandering and fishing in search of Oz on the long and winding Yellow Brick Road. Now I shall run this path alone while keeping you safe in my home, my heart.  I'm still running because baby, I was Born to Run.  - H.M. Wild

Good Bye Yellow Brick Road  xoxo Honey Mama

Coming Soon: 

                   H.M. Wild at www.hmwild.com  

She'll lie and steal, and cheat, and beg you from her knees
Make you think she means it this time
She'll tear a hole in you, the one you can't repair
But I still love her, I don't really care

When we were young, oh, oh, we did enough
When it got cold, ooh, ooh, we bundled up
I can't be told, ah, ah, it can't be done

It's better to feel pain, than nothing at all
The opposite of love's indifference
So pay attention now, I'm standing on your porch screaming out
And I won't leave until you come downstairs

So keep your head up, keep your love
Keep your head up, my love [x2]
Keep your head up, keep your love

And I don't blame you dear for running like you did all these years
I would do the same, you'd best believe
And the highway signs say we're close but I don't read those things anymore
I never trusted my own eyes

When we were young oh, oh, we did enough
When it got cold, ooh, ooh we bundled up
I can't be told, ah, ah, it can't be done

So keep your head up, keep your love
Keep your head up, my love [x2]
Keep your head up, keep your love
Head up, love
Head up, love
Head up, love
Head up, love