Monday, May 19, 2014


Wild wind sweeps across the landscape, rays of warm golden sunshine peek through pockets of blue sky that dot the grey and white swaths of clouds that have overtaken the sky.  Snowflakes fall gently out one window, out another they whiz by in a torrent of wind.  The temperature earlier today was a full 30 degrees colder than it was on Saturday, hovering in the upper 30’s.  The trees have leafed out and spring green dots the landscape in every direction.  The weather is as confused as my mood has been and I struggle to determine how I am doing now that I have come out on the other side of this major manic-depressive episode.  Activities that usually fill me with delight now seem abstract.  Photography, running, writing, reading, cooking...existing.  

“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” 
E.E. Cummings

The other night we were standing in the bathroom brushing our teeth gazing out the window at the lonesome stretch of highway that runs by The Moose Lodge, I told Parke I have another name for my memoir “Better Than Yesterday”; which is to say my life theme currently is: Hope and each day has delivered another notch of healing.  

"Human beings are made up of flesh and blood, and a miracle fiber called courage"
-George Patton

I am holding a vigil for hope for healing on the deepest levels of the spirit.  Healing that reaches down to the core and radiates through my being and washes over those that love and support me through my struggle.  My husband, parents and close friends banded together in such a way that could really only be described as miraculous and were able to help me see the light and take action to help myself.  My in-laws stepped in to care for our children in my absence and our world stayed in tact because of love.  I always knew that love was what made the world go round, now I have proof.  

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” 
Lao Tzu

Slowing down is hard and reminding myself I don’t have to multi-task everything is a task in and of itself.  Learning to break tasks down into baby steps is a big part of the process I am in now.  Forever doing it all, all the time, I am used to taking armloads of stuff in every which direction in a perpetual buzz of motion and productivity.  Slowing down and really being a “being” not a “doing” isn’t as easy as I thought it would be. It’s that old be careful of what you wish for, it might come true. 

“Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim.” 
Nora Ephron

Lost inside myself - tears, sadness, heavy motionless looking out at the wild world of Wrangell wondering how I came to be and why I am and what this means and wondering what the future will bring.  I’m trying not to “go there” with my thoughts, because “there” has proven to be a dangerous place where my feelings get tied up in knots and threaten to strangle the life out of me.  This is when I remind myself to breathe, just breathe.  

All it takes is all you got.
--Marc Davis

“Courage is the most important of all the virtues because without 
courage, you can't practice any other virtue consistently.” 
Maya Angelou

Time is experienced in ultra slow motion and my days stretch out before me and I find it hard to do much of anything when five minutes feels like an hour any activity seems daunting.  I’m used to going full-speed in life, I’ve had to with the combination of raising two young children, moving three times between March 2011-August 2014, being a full-time student, wife, daughter, friend, and marathoner-triathlete.

“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny.” 
Paulo Coelho, The Devil and Miss Prym

On the other side of my breakdown I have found Me, and “Me” doesn’t need to do everything because I can’t. It’s not sustainable as I have discovered, so now I am learning how to live life in a slower paced fashion because I want to be Me more than anything in the world.  Being Me means being a wife and mother, a daughter and friend.  Being Me.  Breathe.

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them 
with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle 
with your demons will cause your angels to sing.” 

August Wilson