Smoke and Ashes

Last night I built a fire fueled by old magazines, egg cartons, tear stained kleenexes to burn my forgiveness notes, sending the smoke up high to the Mentasta mountains, to the rising full moon.  Each note a strong, clear declaration of something I was offering: self-forgiveness.  As the fire grew I added in old dry wood to the fire and one large bunch of grass that smelled like sweet grass when it burned.  Then one by one I read my notes aloud, clearly declaring my intention to forgive and let go and watched each one get caught by fire, turning black, the edges curling slightly before it was engulfed by flame and in one brief moment transformed into smoke and ashes. 

When all the notes were burned I read two closing notes:

"I forgive myself for letting my ego go, but I had to let it go so that I could move forward to my higher self, Me."

"I seek to be whole not perfect and I invite joy into my life. <silver linings>"

I added a few heaps of grass, one at a time, spreading them out across the fire watching them burn and enjoying the sweet aroma of the scent of burning grass smudging the great outdoors.  

I went inside the house and brewed a healing cup of herbal tea: rooibos, peppermint, and chamomile teas with honey and ate two dark chocolate squares, and a piece of gluten-free peanut butter toast with honey.  I finished my snack and felt grounded, whole, solid and ready for the next step. 

I ran a hot bath carefully measuring the baking soda, epsom salt and lavender bubble bath and sank in slowly.  Sipping my cup of tea, taking in the heat, scent, and feeling of being surrounded by water.  I sat in the tub and used a cup to pour water over my third eye, 3-4 cups of water at a time splashing over my face, running down the sides of my ears, my shoulders, breasts and back to the water. 

I repeated this motion with the water hundreds of times, until it became hypnotic then I heard George calling me from downstairs. He’d been outside playing but found his way inside the house and came upstairs and said “Close your eyes”, I complied, then said “Okay, open them!” he was holding a single tiny blue aster flower, he presented it to me and I said “How did you know this is exactly what I needed right now?”, he said “I just knew in my brain and in my heart. I love you, Mommy.”, then he kissed my third eye and went back outside. 

As the water washed over my body I had an image in my mind of my soul, it was a dark shadowy figure and as I washed the water over my body the image grew lighter and lighter and when I finished it was pure white, like freshly fallen snow.  

I stepped out of the tub and gently dried myself off and laid my towel out on the bed. I picked up my “angel stone” heart (selinite) and Unique’s ashes necklace and meditated, breathing slowly, methodically, in and out, and thought of nearly nothing for a full half hour before I brought myself beneath the covers where I placed a tiger eye stone on my third eye, turquoise in my left hand, amethyst in my right, and selinite on my chest, with my Unique necklace placed carefully across my throat chakra.  I laid there and breathed deeply, fully, with clarity. Letting go to move forward, one day, one page, one step at a time. Better than yesterday. 

"Know what sparks the light in you. Then use that light to illuminate the world." 

- Oprah Winfrey